Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Breaking News: Cardinals Disband Catholic Church; Green Smoke rises from Basilica

[Please note: this is a guest post, written by a friend, and posted here by permission because I think it is great.] Vatican spokesman Father Guido Sarducci announced today that effective immediately, the Catholic Church is disbanding its hierarchy, and will henceforth devote its brand name to supporting grassroots humanity in all its richness. According to Sarducci, "we were just sitting around talking about the Inquisition, the 80 million indigenous people wiped out by religious orders and Spanish troops in Latin America, the current hierarchy's war against women and gays, and the on-going conspiracy to protect a vast breeding ground for child abuse, and we decided, man, it's time to break with all that." Reliable sources said the Cardinals' decision was based in part on increasing concern about rumors that an international court is considering indicting the church as the largest and longest lasting criminal conspiracy in world history, a development Sarducci characterized as "a bummer." According to reliable sources, the Vatican will become a multi-use area, and will include a treatment and rejuvenation community for victims of child abuse and torture, a stunning museum with proceeds going to support indigenous populations wiped out under church leadership, a women's center, and the creation of a Fallibility Institute, dedicated to fostering democratic institutions, free thinking, spirituality and humanism, and social justice for all. Oh, and maybe a small church. Meanwhile, local Catholic churches around the world will be turned over to the control of their parishioners, who will be free to decide their own organizational structure, leadership, affiliations, and beliefs. According to Sarducci, "we decided to send out some green smoke, man, to signal our resolve to save the world from what's actually threatening it: environmental disaster, economic inequality, and hatred based on nationalism, racism, and religious intolerance. Then people can build a society based on democracy, peace on earth, and good will towards all." It is reported that some of the Cardinals were asking for further clarification regarding the meaning of the term "all."